Surviving Anorexia

Exercise has been part of my life since I was 16. I entered the City to Surf to raise money for a charity. I had not exercised at all before my first entry to the 14km event. I couldn't walk for a week after! Realising how unfit I was I started running about 3 times a week. My goal was to improve my cardiovascular fitness. I had no other agenda. I was never concerned about my weight and the word ‘diet’ was not part of my thinking.

Unhelpful motivation

Two years later, what was a healthy attitude became a guilt ridden drive in an attempt to feel I had some sort of control over emotions of low self worth I couldn't express. My goal had changed. Setting a strict, unhealthy regime of running 10 km twice a day and eating very little, I felt I had failed and was worthless if the number on the scale went up or didn't decrease. I would become extremely agitated if anything interrupted both my extreme dieting and excessive exercise. I must've looked like a skeleton pounding the pavement. 

The number on the scale became the only important factor, not even aware of the damage I was causing to my bones, hormones, digestive & reproductive systems. I did not menstruate for five years. My hair lost its luster, my skin was dull & I developed a fine layer of hair on my body. And I was miserable, consumed by a vicious cycle that I couldn't break from. 

Resistance training

I was scared at the thought of my weight increasing and had an irrational fear of it all going to my abdominal region. It was a step by step process and eventually the fear decreased as I enjoyed the feeling of becoming stronger. I knew I had to eat more to lift more. It was a slow process but there was a shift in my goal. It took 5 years to get back to the weight I was pre anorexia. I was out of physical danger and I could smile again. I had no psychological help at this time. I competed in bodybuilding competitions, which for women were quite new in the 80's. There was only one category divided by weight class. I gained a top 3 place in the competitions I entered over the next 2 years, reaching a level of 3rd in the Australian open. 

Depression

As a mum, exercise was time to myself. I either ran or swam for about 45 minutes approximately four or five times a week. I looked forward to getting away from household chores and have a bit of a break. I had stopped competing soon after I was married, as my ex husband did not like me doing so. But towards the end of my marriage, exercise may have become a weapon again targeted inwardly, in an attempt to control negative thoughts about myself. But this time I recognized the unhealthy thought patterns and took myself to the doctor. I could not teach my then teenage daughter that this was the way to deal with problems. I had a break down, was given psychological help in conjunction with antidepressants. 

Resistance training and mental health

My thought life got worse before it got better, making poor decisions, for which I hated myself more.  I used to do a lot of long distance running, but found that I couldn't switch off negative thoughts. I started training with weights again after a 25-year break. With resistance training, I had to focus on my form, each rep, each set. It gave my mind a mental break from the crap that was going through it. As I physically got stronger, I mentally got stronger & I believe this helped me face difficult circumstances. This occurred in conjunction with 6 years of psychological help.

Freedom from negative behaviours

A few years later, because of this poor decision, I experienced living in a place where I had no choice of food and very limited time, space and equipment to exercise. Ironically, it was in this environment, in amongst fear and uncertainty, that I knew I was set free from the negative thought patterns that I had most of my life and lead me to live in guilt, fear and shame of who I was. 

I developed an exercise plan within that environment and its purpose was to help me cope and set myself a routine to each day. It helped me focus on something positive rather than the negatives of being in that environment.